Previously, we’ve told you which superheroes would ski which skis.
We’ve also told you which bike companies are most like which ski companies.
Now we’ve created a lineup of skis to perfectly suit the current times.
And we’re going to blame Paul Forward for this. He sent a harmless little text to Luke Koppa and me, and then … things escalated quickly. So, you’re welcome. Or, we apologize in advance.
Let us know if we missed anything. (But let’s also keep it civil, people.)
This is our flagship model. Its top sheet very conspicuously says “200 cm, 125 mm underfoot, 5 layers of titanium” but it’s really a 175 cm Soul 7. The FauxModel will also feature “NYM” technology, meaning that every pair will be printed with the next season’s years, so everyone knows you have “next year’s model.” Also says “available for pro-deal purchase only.”
For the expert skier who has a job and always gets to the hill a day or two late. It would have a DPS Lotus 138 graphic so you’d feel like you were nailing a pow day, but really be something like a Volkl Mantra which is more appropriate since you totally blew it and missed the pow.
These skis are 12 feet long and mounted dead center, so nobody can breach your 6-feet bubble of social distancing if you find yourself standing in a crowded lift line. Not the best ski for moguls, though Scott Schmidt and Glen Plake beg to differ. Also comes with a new collab ski wax from Clorox & Swix.
The MAGA is built entirely out of non-recyclable materials using 100% coal energy, and has a tear-off top sheet like motocross goggles that litter the slopes and spontaneously combust to cause forest fires. Also, you don’t have to pay for this ski, Mexico pays for it.
We glue some seaweed to the top sheets of a regular ski, then market these as “bioengineered.” The Wokester also comes with a digital top sheet that changes to reflect whatever cause happens to be trending hardest on Twitter at the moment.
The CNCLR is the perfect ski for those who are always on their A-game, and never make a mistake. So if you prioritize purity over forgiveness, this is the ski for you. But should you ever fail to ski — or carry your skis or get on the chairlift — exactly the way that we think you should … we will immediately repossess these skis and ban you from ever skiing again. No refunds, no second chances.
The CNCLR is basically the perfect ski for those who love the old version of the Dictator 3.0 — it behaves the same, it just has a less fascist-sounding name.
So few vowels, WE don’t even know what it means!
When you buy a pair of the AOCs, everyone else gets skis, too. They’re kind of expensive, but they work great in Norway.
For a stiffer, more aggressive alternative, see the Bernie Bro Model.
The Joe Model
It’s definitely not the best ski we make, and nobody is all that enthusiastic about it. But it’s not our most hated ski, either.
This is an outstanding ski at a super low price that will be enjoyed by most skiers.
(We just still aren’t 100% sure how we can afford to make this great ski and offer it at such a low price.)
This ski is completely unbendable, has extremely sharp edges designed specifically to hurt any ski-shop employee, and automatically interferes with RFID scanners to give you an excuse to get in an argument with the minimum-wage lift operator. Includes a free text service that automatically sends you geo-targeted updates with the manager’s phone number of the ski resort you’re at to expedite your efforts to get people fired or arrested.
It only comes in <160 cm lengths for teens and it has outrageous top sheets, but it skis better than any adult-sized ski, for reasons that you will never be able to understand. Made in China, possibly banned in the USA.
This is a 186 cm ski that could stand to be slightly stiffer — though not too stiff. And it should definitely be a bit heavier. And we’re still trying to decide whether we think its rocker profile is really totally dialed, and whether it might actually ski better mounted 0.495 cm in front of its current recommended line. And Luke Koppa definitely wants to add a tiny bit more tip taper and a bit more sidecut, but I won’t let him..