Our Best / Worst Ski Ideas for 20/21

"The FauxModel"

Intro

Previously, we’ve told you which superheroes would ski which skis.

We’ve also told you which bike companies are most like which ski companies.

Now we’ve created a lineup of skis to perfectly suit the current times.

And we’re going to blame Paul Forward for this. He sent a harmless little text to Luke Koppa and me, and then …  things escalated quickly. So, you’re welcome. Or, we apologize in advance.

Let us know if we missed anything. (But let’s also keep it civil, people.)

The FauxModel

This is our flagship model. Its top sheet very conspicuously says “200 cm, 125 mm underfoot, 5 layers of titanium” but it’s really a 175 cm Soul 7. The FauxModel will also feature “NYM” technology, meaning that every pair will be printed with the next season’s years, so everyone knows you have “next year’s model.” Also says “available for pro-deal purchase only.”

The FOMOdel

For the expert skier who has a job and always gets to the hill a day or two late. It would have a DPS Lotus 138 graphic so you’d feel like you were nailing a pow day, but really be something like a Volkl Mantra which is more appropriate since you totally blew it and missed the pow.

The COVIDium

These skis are 12 feet long and mounted dead center, so nobody can breach your 6-feet bubble of social distancing if you find yourself standing in a crowded lift line. Not the best ski for moguls, though Scott Schmidt and Glen Plake beg to differ. Also comes with a new collab ski wax from Clorox & Swix.

The MagaModel

The MAGA is built entirely out of non-recyclable materials using 100% coal energy, and has a tear-off top sheet like motocross goggles that litter the slopes and spontaneously combust to cause forest fires. Also, you don’t have to pay for this ski, Mexico pays for it.

The Wokester

We glue some seaweed to the top sheets of a regular ski, then market these as “bioengineered.” The Wokester also comes with a digital top sheet that changes to reflect whatever cause happens to be trending hardest on Twitter at the moment.

The CNCLR

The CNCLR is the perfect ski for those who are always on their A-game, and never make a mistake. So if you prioritize purity over forgiveness, this is the ski for you. But should you ever fail to ski — or carry your skis or get on the chairlift — exactly the way that we think you should … we will immediately repossess these skis and ban you from ever skiing again. No refunds, no second chances.

The CNCLR is basically the perfect ski for those who love the old version of the Dictator 3.0 — it behaves the same, it just has a less fascist-sounding name.

The DSMVWLR

So few vowels, WE don’t even know what it means!

The A-O-Cki

When you buy a pair of the AOCs, everyone else gets skis, too. They’re kind of expensive, but they work great in Norway.

For a stiffer, more aggressive alternative, see the Bernie Bro Model.

The Joe Model

It’s definitely not the best ski we make, and nobody is all that enthusiastic about it. But it’s not our most hated ski, either.

The BernSKie

This is an outstanding ski at a super low price that will be enjoyed by most skiers.

(We just still aren’t 100% sure how we can afford to make this great ski and offer it at such a low price.)

The KARENator

This ski is completely unbendable, has extremely sharp edges designed specifically to hurt any ski-shop employee, and automatically interferes with RFID scanners to give you an excuse to get in an argument with the minimum-wage lift operator. Includes a free text service that automatically sends you geo-targeted updates with the manager’s phone number of the ski resort you’re at to expedite your efforts to get people fired or arrested.

The TikTokEr

It only comes in <160 cm lengths for teens and it has outrageous top sheets, but it skis better than any adult-sized ski, for reasons that you will never be able to understand. Made in China, possibly banned in the USA.

The BLISTERer

This is a 186 cm ski that could stand to be slightly stiffer — though not too stiff. And it should definitely be a bit heavier. And we’re still trying to decide whether we think its rocker profile is really totally dialed, and whether it might actually ski better mounted 0.495 cm in front of its current recommended line. And Luke Koppa definitely wants to add a tiny bit more tip taper and a bit more sidecut, but I won’t let him..

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27 comments on “Our Best / Worst Ski Ideas for 20/21”

  1. Wow! It finally sounds like you are getting the 186cm BLISTERer (Blister Pro ?) dialed in. Do you think maybe it should be a little less stifferer? And leave the rocker profile and weight where they are. And I think it would be better mounted 0.977 cm in front of it’s current recommend line and please listen to Luke about the tip taper and side cut ideas. Have fun! ⛷‍♂️

  2. ARTistNasal Model:
    Only one ski will be produced per pair. Per year. Only one pair will be produced every third year. You may reserve your half pair with a year’s advance reservation 100% payment plus refundable security deposit to be held for a minimum of 2 years until you generate enough Instagram likes to justify your ownership of such a fine piece of work. Components include hand-raised, locally sourced heirloom hardwood-hemp-soybean-breadmold crossbred saplings which have poetry read to them each morning and evening after being gently misted with unicorn tears of joy. Fabric layers will be selected from discarded loin cloths of reformed politicians who have joined mountaintop meditation sanctuaries to atone for their sins. Metal and plastic components forbidden. Waxed with selected candle drippings from ancient high-altitude monasteries. Don’t contact us, we’ll contact you.

  3. Thank you for this, great way to end a long week. Had some similar thoughts to EE. Think the MAGA core would be made from all that brush that’s apparently lying around in the woods in California, though alternatively that could be sent to the Artic for all those loser Polar Bears to have something to float on seeing as they are always complaining about melting shower caps or something. Think the MAGA would be waxed with the tears of environmentalists and so called “scientists” aka climate change hoaxers. The bases would be pure oil slick. Obvs

  4. Outstanding! Humor Heals! Thank you for digging deep to discover endless possibilities to make a person happy with their ski purchase or in this case reading through this post.

  5. On the subject of weird ski ideas. I remember a concept in a magazine for with a split tip and tail that was supposed to work kinda like the Amphibio shape by making it easier to bend the inside of the tip. Was I just dreaming that I saw it

  6. The AntiFart de Ski
    We permanently wax these skis using brow sweat collected from French-proficient Occupy Wall Street devotees, for assured glide and to obscure finger prints when confronting skinhead, KKK, alt-right, militia, and all-lives-matter protestors. Our special design features short lengths, zero camber, high stiffness, and metal laminates — Bad Guy Bash (BGB) Technology — doubles as a defensive baton, but still schusses.

  7. I just asked the factory to cancel all current production so they can focus exclusively on creating The FauxModel. Obviously this should be the ski industries only focus as it will to not only save the planet, guarantee equal rights for all, but also bring leaders from around the world together so no skier ever needs to decide which skis to get again. Thank you Blister crew for finally determining the best ski. This is definitely it! One and done.

    • We store them all in Paul Forward’s garage, and you can only purchase them there, in person. Because Paul doesn’t ship, Paul bow hunts.

  8. Bill, The FauxModel will obviously be exclusively sold out of Jonathan’s living room… just ring his doorbell before walking in (incase he’s in the shower)

    • I do have one pair of prototypes at my place, the rest are in Paul’s garage. So the first person to ring my doorbell — when I’m not in the shower — gets em.

    • I’m sure Jonathan wouldn’t mind if I interrupted his shower, it’s no big deal.

      Speaking of showers, what do you think Luke’s shampoo regime is to get those locks to shine like that?

  9. Of the many remarkable features of the MagaModel, foremost is that it continues to be so popular with the ski-buying public

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